Surreal tells a story; a memoir

surreal

Eric: tank,godlike

Location: Arizona

Joined: Jan 04 2009

Not too long ago I fancied myself rather hungry for something trivial and fickle. Just as ardent as the cold furious winds clashing into my insulated well-constructed wall, I emerged from my never-changing sitting position from a floor I've grown kin to. I always spend a moment to gaze on where I sat, that one bit of carpet, smashed no thinner than paper.

People are too used to chairs, we're too used to a lot of things. My grandfather was too used to alcohol, my friend was too used to drugs, and I'm too used to being alone. Of course, strokes, jails, and monomaniacal complexes try to break those habits, we're just too damn stubborn a species I suppose.

Fuck I love oranges, ever notice how the juice from an actual orange is way more cash than the so-called "orange juice" we buy off racks?

The house is quite nice at night. When I was a kid I had Nyctophobia and would always swiftly run past rooms that were completely dark in the hallways. I figured if I was fast enough I could execute a very precise dodge roll in case a giant claw from hell should lunge out of the doorway, putting me in a position to run for the light switch a few inches away on the wall. You see, light would kill a Hellclaw pretty easily; or at least make it retreat. Even if it didn't retreat, I'd have light on my side and was confident I would suddenly have the strength of 10 children and give that bastard one hell of a fight. In any case, that was long ago and now I just scan the dark rooms as I make the journey, searching earnestly for some zombie ghost girl child I could have a dramatic confrontation with.

I walked over to the kitchen counter and began to scan the landscape for something edible. My eyes connected with a bowl of shelled pecans; perfect. I instinctively glanced around for a nut cracker of any kind.

No such luck.

It wasn't really that big a deal really. In fact, it was for the better. I liked the challenge of coming up with new ways to break pecans open. I experimented a bit, cracking one against the counter, slamming another to the floor, and even managing to crack one with my bare hands; gotta love that thumb callous. They were simple uninteresting methods of me simply using my greater power to crush a defenseless nut. That was when I was struck with gold.

I grabbed two pecan warriors and begin to crush them together for my entertainment.

To my great amusement, one warrior cracked; a fatal wound. I declared the unscathed pecan winner and promptly ate the loser. It was fun, crushing two together, having a winner, and making the winner fight another match to the untimely end. Many rounds went by, the battle grounds were littered with shells of the dead. It was then when my almighty hand of fate picked up two aesthetically uninteresting pecanian gladiators and began yet another dual of death. It was here it would win its first battle, an uneventful kill really. It wouldn't be until two battles later that I realized my reigning winner was no ordinary nut. As I said, it looked perfectly normal and lacked any amazing quality, yet it cracked every opposition with the slightest force. It was, by all rights, a champion. The only pecan to have the chance of freedom, I matched it over and over, and it effortlessly crushed even the largest most able-shelled pecans.

It just wouldn't die.

I slowly became fixated, obsessed with this champion. Why wouldn't it die? Surely it was special in some way. A demigod pecan perhaps, son of some great pecan god sent to seek noble vengeance to all who threaten its kind.

Even so, demigods can die can't they?

I pitted warrior after warrior, and finally, after so many matches, I heard a crackle and saw a small glint of shell cracked on the champion. It was only a matter of another match I thought. The shell of this warrior was compromised and surely a healthy warrior would have no trouble with him.

I was wrong yet again.

Still he would not die! The crack on his shell ever mocking me as warrior after warrior fell before him. I then had all I could take, if no warrior could defeat him, then I surely would. I picked him up and slammed him in the counter, smashed him with my thumb, and threw him to the ground, but nothing still!! He was surely laughing now, mocking more than ever. I summoned all my power and slammed him again and again until the crack slowly stretched until it circled his entire body. This was it! Now that shell was no longer holding it together. I pulled apart as strong as I could--but nothing!? Despite being lacerated in two, his body refused to separate. What could possibly be holding him together from the inside!?! It was as though his very spirit would not be torn asunder. There was no way he could be normal, he had to be rotten, mutated, deformed horrible to keep together under such conditions.

I begin smashing and smashing.

The shell began to break ever slowly, revealing small pieces of insides. Over and over! Something would have to give! Then finally the shell was surely compromised. This ordinary seeming shell to pose such trouble; quite unbelievable. At last when I broke it open I longed to gaze inside. Eager to see the rotted mutated ridden insides of this great monster.

Nothing looked abnormal in the slightest.

It looked like any other on the inside, in every way shape and form. In my awe I discovered that it was like any other pecan, on the inside and out. How it survived so long a mystery. What now? Perhaps I would honor this champion by making sure to eat every edible part of it? Yes, that seems like the most sensible solution. Maybe even, I would gain its strength by doing such a ritual. Yes, it was worth a try.

So I ate it.

To my slight dismay, I noticed no stronger skin or mighty strength. It was a normal pecan through and through. I looked upon the battleground of countless pecan carcasses and envisioned a setting sun that let the shells sink into the soul of the ground forever.

I brushed the shell remnants into my hand, sweeped them into the trash, and decided to eat some grapes and do that thing to where I count how many light chewings it takes to kill one; that's always fun for a little while.

Thanks for reading lovelies.

Inspired by 10 minutes of pecan battles that happened earlier.

-Eric