Salem's Hut of Movie Reviews And Foodstuff

soundsandstuff

Joined: Sep 27 2009

SalemJeanette said

should have been called humans 3 because we fucking got like 20 mins of transformers and 2 and a half hours of shia labeouf and his military gang.

only 20 minutes of robots? thats just. freakin. lame. you have my thanks for saving me 2.5 hours of "x("

archard

Joined: Jan 11 2007

Boooo. Transformers 3 kicked ass. You clearly didn't even watch the movie.

karathrow

Joined: Oct 26 2010

demigorgon said

TRANSFORMERS 3 ROCKS!!!!!

actually i saw it in 3d, which was awesome as hell lol.

and 20 minutes of robots my ass, there was a good hour and a half of shit blowing up all over the place.

archard said

Boooo. Transformers 3 kicked ass. You clearly didn't even watch the movie.

Those movies are shit. Michael Bay is the Mcdonalds of film making alongside Uwe Boll.

StrangeJam

Da Manliness

Joined: Aug 23 2009

Only thing that aumuses is that you'll never get your money and time back.
:D

soundsandstuff

Joined: Sep 27 2009

i like explosions, so would that make it worth watching this movie when it comes out on dvd? or should i just stare at a picture of Michael Bay and Shy Le-Butt holding money and giving the finger for 2 and a half hours? xD

salem do a review of Zookeeper nexxt

BacardiBreezer

My life is a chip in your pile. Ante up!

Location: NE Ohio

Joined: Aug 16 2010

lol that blonde might be generic, but she blows that slamhog Megan Fox out of the water by looks and acting skill.

Lemoncobbler

( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

Location: SoCal

Joined: Dec 22 2010

Dunno bout number three, but transformers 2 sucked ass. I was so bored throughout the whole thing, and I think I left to go to the bathroom, and when I came back, optimus prime was dead. what the fuck.

this thread reminds me of that one lady who rates movies with either Reagens or Marxes (which are apparently anti reagens? wat.)
ahaha you should read on for a lol.
http://www.debbieschlussel.com/34851/wknd-box-office-sucker-punch-jane-e...

BluePhoenix

give me a dollar

Location: Earth, Universe A

Joined: Jan 21 2008

Lemoncobbler said

rates movies with either Reagens or Marxes (which are apparently anti reagens? wat.)

It actually makes some sense, the simplified explanation would be the Berlin wall.

Also this thread should be renamed "Salem's bitching about movies thread".

SalemJenet

Joined: Sep 22 2011

So I spent the last 3 days playing nintendo's latest piece of shit masterpiece, around 10 batteries and a wrist injury i finally beat the game so lets talk about it.

Lets start with the main problem. the game is stupid. Remember how twilight princess hyrule field was like giant but without content, well in SS the dungeons are just 1 floor and just 6 rooms, but to make up for how short they are they have big rooms but without content.
!!!!
So you get inside a room, kill one or two mobs(or none at all since this game lacks enemies) get in the middle and press c to look around until you find a switch to open the door. Thats it, no riddles, puzzles not anything. just find a switch or a cracked wall which is hiding a switch. Remember those days figuring out stuff like burning webs or solving light mirror puzzles or moving statues in shadow temples or moving blocks in ice? well theres non of that in here just look around up or down and shoot the switch.
Well i guess technically there are puzzles but they are like... they have this notes in the room that practically tells you exactly what to do step by step. like wtf they dont even mask stuff with riddles or a poem or something, they tell you what the fuck you have to do and you just waste time reading it because the "puzzles" are obvious shit like stuff with colored things and you have to hit in the order of which object have the least colored things to the one with the most colored things. I think resident evil 4 had harder puzzles than this shit. Also worthy note than the dungeon design is awful. You always go in the room you need to go, no options and if you cant do anything you go somewhere else and the go back and then figure out what to do and all that, just run to the next door and look for a switch.
There was only one dungeon that actually felt like one the fire sanctuary, and it lacked a boss! they recycled girashit who you also fought as boss of the first dungeon and the battle doesnt change at all it's the same but takes like 3 more hits to kill him. lazy assholes.
Speaking of bosses i seriously thought they couldn't get easier than twilight princess bosses..... I was so wrong. One of the bosses comes directly from monsters inc (pirate ship boss) so i guess they were aimed at 4 year olds who can barely kill jelly mobs.

So much for motion plus shit they didn't implement it in any way other than swimming and flying which was fucking atrocious waving your wrist to do it wtf? that stuff should be played with the stick it's fucking annoying. The sword moves in all angles thing was totally wasted since to kill the mobs just strike once from the left once from the right and you break their defence, and the plants are also a waste of time lamest way to showcase the motion plus, pfffft move your hand up and strike down or do it horizontally seriously it's no different from pressing b to kill the plants in OOT you do it in the same amount of time but dont get tired. so motion plus for the sword is irrelevant and lame. One would think oh shit we get epic sword fights now right right? well no, the last two bosses are sword users and they are easier and more lame than the giant jelly boss in minish cap(i think it was in this game). Seriously with zant you had to figure out how to attack him depending on the stage he casted and evade his attacks, not exactly hard but entertaining, now how do you kill the second to last boss? just wave your fucking wii remote in any way, motion plus my ass just wave it he doesnt defend or attack. you just have to push him from a platform that's it. and how do you beat the last boss? when he attacks jump back and wave your sword, then he gets mad and you have to switch strategies to a complex when he attacks you jump to the side and wave your sword thats it, you go from jumping back to jump to the side. now i dont remember exactly how was the fight with ganondorf in tp but it couldnt be easier than this. at least there was a horse fight that was way more interesting.... and a fire circle damaging you like in oot. here theres nothing, no obstacles or something. no falling ground or having to time your spin attack to deflect enemy beams nothing!
And the last boss is called demise, oh come on! what's the next big bad going to be called "darkness"? he's also a generic fucking ogre thing.
If anyone played or watched fate stay night the last boss in zelda is berseker.
http://www.fightersgeneration.com/np/fate/berserker-fate.png

Now from bosses to mobs, i think theres the same amount of bosses as mobs. The same mobs you see in the first area are the ones you encounter in the whole game except they change colors to show they're stronger but since you also upgrade your sword they take the same amount of hits to kill so it's irrelevant. you get a good chunk of bats, jelly mobs, plants, some mini ogres and sand dwellers. there are a couple of more mobs but they appear like once or twice, like some phoenix mobs that appear in two areas but you fight like 3 or 4 in each area. Now way to show how that motion plus is used eh?
Going back to puzzles theres this area lanayru desert which revolves around time traveling. but not like chrono trigger time travel where you go to a different area and explore and make changes and go to the present and get the reward then to the past to use the reward etc... just hit a switch get in a mine car and watch a scene of how a circle around you becomes the past until the car reaches its destination. That would have been a good place for some puzzles but no, just follow the car because it makes some air paltforms appear that's it. and oh god the beginning of that desert area is annoying as hell, you get this bug thing which can carry bombs and drop them in door things to make platforms trough the sand but the process is slow and tedious and you can direct it with the joystick you have to bend your wrist and it's fucking overused like you have to do it 5 times for each sand pit and the in the dungeon too to reach the switch, fucking waste of time and i think thats the most overused weapon the tedious one. The hookshot (clawsomething in SS) gets no love. the places where you can use it are very limited and you use it as much as the bow. the fucking bow also gets no love, and you cant z target and use your bow, if you are z targeting a mob or boss and choose the bow you go into the normal bow view, what's the point of z targeting then?
How about that awesome fairy who plays the role of navi and midna? she has near infinite knowledge granted from the goddess so she must be great help(not that you'll ever need it in this game). She's called fi but we all know her real name is Captain Obvious. Someone tells you, hey you have to go here and get this from this spot, fi says after that: master we should go here and retrieve this from this spot to advance". I press a switch or do something and the layout of a room changes and fi says "master the layout of this room changed". You see a door with the boss lock mark and she says master I believe the boss and destination we find is there", well no shit sherlock. If you ask help for a boss she says something like, this boss is in fire because he lives in the volcano, then you get a choice for more info or stop, press more info and she says that's all the info i got, but instead of stopping there she throws you thins 3 dialogue boxes of how if you ever need help to press down on the arrow pad thing whatever it's called, and that the button will flash on the screen, she always say it, ALWAYS! and speaking of always the most annoying thing ever if you catch a bug it tells you it's name and a little info with funny style, oh ok now I know what bug i got, turn off your wii and turn it on again and catch the same bug and the message appears again, and this goes not just for bugs, for other objects too, and it's not just a dialogue it automatically opens the pause gear menu screen and takes like 10 seconds to increase the number of that object and another 10 to close the screen so you can return to the game!!!!!!! WAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Characters in other zelda games usually have some charm that goes with their wacky designs and style of the game like malon from lon lon ranch, the kakariko windmill guy and the gravekeeper, the spirit temple aladdin girl. Well in SS...... there are almost no secondary characters! That's right no other civilizations to go into their towns and talk and get quests and do stuff. there are some mogma guys but you only meet two who appear every 10 hours and have no charm. there are like 3 more but you only save them from some chains and they never appear again, well one does but one more time and for like 10 seconds. and one more who has a minesweeper game. the zoraslike things appear just one time and they are like 6 and all say the same, something like the queen is over there, or I dont like you. there are also like 5 little hedgehogsplant things which you have to find and never talk to again except the patriarch who says irrelevant stuff. thats it...... oh right skylof, island of the creepy people. There are like 15 people there including a homosexual who gets bullied and wants to become strong and is creepy as fuck and you're better off ignoring. the rest is also forgettable except for groose who plays a part in the story and is a bro. theres no character charm there just creepiness. Now the "important" side characters are 3 dragons who are the.... well i dont know maybe sages or goddesses or land protectors.... well they are important because they are big, all have the same design with a different color outfit and one has a beard. Why is it always dragons? why cant they use a sacred dog or sacred snake or sacred zebra or anything why is it always fucking dragons? There are dragons everywhere i don't want any more dragons maybe a just a dragon boss or just a dragon god is ok and have other beigns as gods but why all of them are dragons? i seriously thought the last boss true form was going to be a dragon because of the originality in this game, I didnt want any more dragons how about another creature?
http://www.fightersgeneration.com/np/fate/berserker-fate.png
...
..
.
I wish it would've been a dragon :<
The harp has to be the most useless instrument ever in zelda games, no use it to command statues and solve puzzles (obviously because there are none in SS) not even change day and night in an instant, NOTHING! you dont learn melodies to play every now and then to teleport or anything, just get your harp when you see butterflies and strum it the way you want, fast or slow it doesnt matter you'll summon a sheika stone or wall painting to get hearts, fairies or arrows which you wont be needing anyway.
Who the fuck came up with downsing? who approved it? what the fuck like why can't someone give you a clue maybe with a view on the place for a couple of seconds so you can explore around and find a way to get there moving blocks and sutff? no just select that downsing which prevents you from running and follow it until you find a kiwi in the ground, boring. lame. stupid. and you use it trough the whole game except in dungeons. shittiest search system I've seen.
Now, one usually don't expect too much in a zelda story, big bad wants to resurrect ganondorf or become ruler of the world and you have to collect a number of objects to create a holy object to defeat the bad guy. All of that is here. but tog et a certain piece you have to get two objects and to find the first object you have to find like 10 more objects the same for the other to form that piece.
Like the water dragon knows I'm the goddess's chosen one, yet she is like, ohey you want my piece of the song to save the world from the evil being who matches the supreme celestial being in strenght? well get like 30 notes from underwater and form it, i won't give it to you because i need to extend the game somehow even if it's in the lamest way. Jesus christ i have the fucking triforce in my hand what more proof can she need?
This game has a really lame way to extend itself, shit like that should be side quests.
like you beat the first 3 dungeons, and then they make you run trough them again to find water or some shit. why can't that be in a new area? they just make you go to the same places you already went to find just one more room where you were missing a glove or some shit. Theres this time where you're in the volcano and the baddies take all your stuff again, and they make you sneak around but they added fences and some towers all over the place to make that shit look like a new area with cheap tricks.
And don't even mention fighting the imprisoned like 5 times

Worst 3d zelda by far. and worse than most 2d zeldas. It barely gets a 5/10 and i'm being too nice just because zelda was too waifu and groose was a bro.
Go buy the OOT 3ds remake if you want one of the current two zeldas for sale. Or replay wind waker! which is light years better than this shit.

wayfaerer

"Embrace your dreams."

Location: The Lifestream

Joined: Apr 03 2011

Ranulf said

:'(
I hope LoZ doesn't become like Final Fantasy...

sadly ranulf, it seems inevitable at this point.

i find myself relying on ports more than new additions to long running franchises

SalemJenet

Joined: Sep 22 2011

miyamoto left the big productions to work in independent stuff so the next zelda could actually be really different....
or just a wanna be.
and no lemon. They focused too much on cutscenes and events but forgot about about the game :<

SalemJenet

Joined: Sep 22 2011

So finals are next week and to prepare for them I've been playing some videogames.
Just beat this shit today so lets get into it.

From all the metroidvanias out there I've played... Symphony of the Night, Circle of the Moon, Harmony of Dissonance and Aria of Sorrow and now Order of Ecclesia. Out of all of these I considered Harmony of Dissonance the weakest(but not bad) of the metroidvanias but playing Order of Ecclesia removed it from that spot except this one is bad.

Originally I started playing dawn of sorrow but stopped after a little over an hour because It looked like... oh it's one of those sequels that was launch without polish to leech from the popularity and success of it's predecessor. So I started playing Portrait of Ruin but was like:
>pretty boy blond faggot
>preteenager pouting after being called a kid
lol no...
So I moved on to better things like Shanoa (If you know what I mean ;3) or so I thought....

The game is like 10% metroidvania and the rest is like.... just straight lines. Even the classicvanias had more variety than this. I mean... just look at this shit

Only dracula's castle is complex and well, somnus reef to some degree I guess... nah, I just enjoyed it because of Auri's arrangement of wandering blue crystal to be honest.

And these aren't just straight lines where you can say something like: "you realize classicvanias were straight lines right" No no no no no. Classicvanias had like holes where you died, medusa heads hard to avoid, a variety of monsters with patterns and attacks to evade that made the stages fun. These are just filled with like 3 different mobs for stage which all feel like a fucking skeleton from the first level (except the last stage) and they are as straightforward when attacking as it can get. Which is the next bad point of this. But these maps don't have any traps or anything, it's just a fucking line filled with skeletons, It's like the FF13 of castlevanias D:
Going back to straightforward monster attacks. Every mob could be called a skeleton up until 75% of the game, theres really nothing to analyze to beat mobs in new stages. It gets boring fast even when you have different areas like forests, swamps, underwater, caves, nothing of this was put to good use. It all feels the same crap.

The bosses are a different beast. I know recent castlevania game bosses aren't know for their originality but, at least they are fun to fight and still pump my nerdy blood when I see them. Death is always cool and I still remember some bosses like the dragons from Circle of the Moon. But not in this case, they are completely forgettable.Dracula doesn't even have a second form.

While talking about the bosses lets bring the difficulty in the topic. Classicvanias are hard as everyone who played any of them knows. But starting from Symphony of the Night the games lower the difficulty so that casuals can beat them. Let's start with the bosses. I mean you still die from time to time in the bosses while figuring out their attack patterns and a strategy in the hand held games but this one has a different kind of difficulty. I noticed somewhere around the middle of the games that the bosses are also as straightforward as the get but totally overpowered. They move slow and are too predictable, but they deal like 150damage for hit, even death who is always cunning with the attacks is pretty much a skeleton here after you see his attacks twice. So it's 3 or 4 hits and you're dead. Its the kind of difficulty that comes from damage rather than "oh damn I wasn't quick enough to jump after the first attack" or some other form of difficulty because of patterns, etc...

So you die in the boss, retry and reach further then new attack and die because overpowered, then retry and almost kill them but they unleash their latest attack and kill you in 3 hits instead. Then they'll never be a problem again in boss rush. I prefer the megaman bosses type of difficulty where you can get plenty of hits but still die because they are actually hard(they move fast and you have to discover how to evade the attacks and refine your reflexes, some are even slow but still hard among other factors).
The difficulty of the stages is pretty easy with the straight lines and the skeleton type variety of monsters. and the soundtrack... I just remember like 3 tracks of it. Two from Dracula's castle and the Somnus Reef theme because I learnt to play that. The least memorable of the castlevania Soundtracks. Nothing special from what I remember.

There are plenty of side characters but they are also forgettable. Actually Shanoa and Albus are the only characters you'll remember from this(not counting Dracula and death). The side characters are some villagers you save and do sidequests for to get armor and better potions or accesories. And by sidequests I mean go to this place and kill this fucker who's item has a 3/100 chance of dropping. Seriously I think I spent like 30 minutes farming a single piece of meat from fish mobs. And if you want the 100% you have to do many of these. There are some other sidequests actually like taking pictures of monsters for a journalist, or going to some place and take a picture. Most villagers only have 3 sidequests so these types are short in comparison to item farming. But it's not like you'll need the armor anyway since the bosses still kill you in 3 hits.

Without doing the sidequests you can beat the game in like 10 hours or less on your first try. I don't remember how much It took me to beat the other metroidvanias but they definitely felt longer. Probably because you had the option to go into different paths to... you know explore like in metroid. I don't think this even has backtracking. I remember going to somnus reef twice and that was it. It's just moving forward trough the whole game.

Anyway don't bother with this one. The only reason one would play this is because of the hottie protagonist who you can't even appreciate with the small screen and sprite. The stylus is useless. Not that I complain about that but if it's gonna be like this then release it as a better game on the Wii with 2.5D graphics like DKC returns or something.

If you haven't played a handheld castlevania get Aria of Sorrow or Circle of the Moon. Those are the superior metroidvanias
Now I'll proceed to post some Shanoa to show something positive about this game.

SalemJenet

Joined: Sep 22 2011

Shanoa is hot.
That's just it.

Giogiogio4

For all the dreamers: Our planet's dream is not over yet...

Joined: Jun 10 2010

It's funny because Skyward sword is said to be the best 3d zelda game since OoT and focuses much more on combat.

I still consider majora to be the best.

Clanver

Pixelfingers cant play

Location: Germany, Kiel

Joined: Jan 03 2009

or does it :/

auriplane

Joined: Sep 06 2008

Haha, oh no! Gio would never be able to post again!

SalemJenet

Joined: Sep 22 2011

Clanver said

Screw the Straight dungeons, the castle is still there~

Can't say screw the straight dungeons when they are 70% of the game :v

karathrow

Joined: Oct 26 2010

Meanwhile nobody gives a shit about the handheld zelda games ;-;.

They were great, fuck all yall.

SalemJenet

Joined: Sep 22 2011

Minish cap was meh, or maybe I was just tired of zeldas back then. Good timing kara I'm about to start phantom hourglass :<

Edit: >You move with the stylus
No thank you.

auriplane

Joined: Sep 06 2008

Minish Cap is a pretty good game, but it's got a fair amount of filler to pad out the length. The puzzle piece matching and figurine collection are meh.

karathrow

Joined: Oct 26 2010

Phantom Hourglass I didn't like very much but I still finished it. Which is a shame because since everyone plays PH first nobody wants to play Spirit Tracks after. Spirit tracks is really good, at least I thought so.

Something about choos choos people dont like :<

SalemJenet

Joined: Sep 22 2011

The Wolf of Wall Street

It's the best Movie you'll watch this year.
Review over. Just go watch it.

Hakoria

Laon King

Location: gmt+1

Joined: Apr 03 2011

owo, 13th jan world holiday as of now.

Jacob31593

Location: Tampa, FL

Joined: Jan 04 2009

it takes true modesty to call oneself humble

vtorosort

Joined: Dec 06 2021

I am writing to say thank you for the professional information you shared with me. Your guidance and expertise have been invaluable, and I appreciate your generosity in sharing your knowledge. Your support has made a significant impact, and I am truly grateful.